What Do Seniors Ask for When They Feel Lonely and Want to Change It?
When forming new relationships, seniors are often limited by their upbringing. At Sue Ryder, we have significantly more women than men, and the social norms they grew up with make it hard for them to take the initiative. They often say something like, “I’d love to talk to that lady over there, but I can’t just go up to her and start a conversation.” And this hesitation is even more pronounced when it comes to men. The oldest generation was raised to constantly worry about “what people will say.” There was always someone watching, evaluating, and judging them.
What Age Group Are You Talking About?
I’m referring to people over 80 because those who are 65 today often feel relatively young, full of energy, and enthusiasm. The differences between these two generations are quite striking as people evolve with increasing life expectancy. We’re at a generational turning point. I often meet women, particularly, who were widowed just before they turned 60 and have been alone ever since. Now they’re 90. These are women who’ve spent a third of their lives as widows. When I talk to them about it, they never even considered the possibility that they could avoid being alone; it was simply a given for them. This mindset is changing. In the past, when a woman was widowed, it was expected that she would remain alone for the rest of her life. Conversely, if a man was widowed and had children, the village would quickly find him someone to help manage the household and care for the children. Today, when a 60-year-old woman is widowed, she’s often much more socially active and much less likely to stay alone. But I should emphasize that these are just my observations, not hard data.
Has the Reason Why Seniors End Up Alone Changed?
Yes, that’s true. It’s no longer just about losing a partner due to illness or death; it’s increasingly due to divorce.
Where Do Seniors Typically Seek New Relationships?
When it comes to second partnerships, the workplace is a common place to meet. Seniors also find companionship in hobby groups, hiking clubs, spiritual groups, or church congregations. I’m not just talking about romantic relationships but also partnerships—finding someone to share interests and experiences with, like going to the theatre or hiking together. Younger seniors sometimes use dating sites, but this tends to happen more in urban areas. In rural settings, traditional social hubs like the Sokol gymnastic clubs, dance classes, and local events still play a prominent role. People in smaller communities often know each other well and can connect directly or through intermediaries.
And what’s really improved the quality of life for seniors is technology. At Sue Ryder, we have many clients who stay connected with old schoolmates thanks to technology. They may not have seen each other in years, but they call each other weekly and describe themselves as great friends.
How Do Socializing Patterns Differ Between Men and Women?
Women tend to be more socially active and willing to try new activities sooner. Sometimes, all they need is a bit of encouragement or a safe environment to open up. Younger women talk a lot—sometimes over one another! The older ones are usually quieter at first; they need a nudge, a suggestion for a topic, and some structure.
Men, on the other hand, are often harder to persuade. They might say they’re fine in their room and don’t need anything. It can take longer for them to join in, although there are, of course, exceptions.
Do You Try to Motivate Your Clients to Socialize?
It’s important for me to distinguish whether the desire to socialize comes from the senior or their family. If I feel someone genuinely wants to connect but isn’t sure how or whether it’s appropriate, I try to help. For years, we’ve hosted a women’s group where they can talk about things they’d never feel comfortable discussing in front of a man. Sometimes, these groups lead to beautiful friendships.
How Would You Encourage a Lonely Senior to Overcome Their Fear of New Connections?
While seniors might use dating apps occasionally, they generally prefer natural ways of meeting people. They might say, “I’m not going to some place just to meet people artificially.” So, I’d encourage them to revisit the activities they’ve enjoyed throughout their lives.
For example: Love theatre? Attend more performances; you might meet someone during intermission. Enjoy hiking? Join a senior hiking group. The idea is to reconnect with interests they’re already passionate about, as these settings naturally bring people together.
What Happens Physically When Someone Is Lonely?
Humans aren’t designed to be alone. Those age-old sayings—“shared joy is double joy” and “shared sorrow is half the sorrow”—are true. It’s particularly important because every age group has its unique challenges and experiences. An 80-year-old talking about their aches or reminiscing about past events will likely find more understanding with someone of a similar age.
I Meant More from a Medical Perspective—How Does Loneliness Affect Cognitive Abilities?
Recent studies show that solving crosswords alone isn’t enough to prevent cognitive decline. It works better as a preventive measure when combined with physical activity and, most importantly, social contact.
Some of our clients have told me: “You know, I lived alone for so long, and now I find myself using words I’d forgotten I even knew.” This applies especially to language connected to emotions, needs, and desires. Why would a lonely person articulate these things if there’s no one to respond?
And What About Hormones Like Dopamine—The “Happiness Hormone”?
Dopamine is indeed released during friendly social interactions—unless, of course, you’re someone who finds such interactions stressful. Generally speaking, though, it holds true. For people who are naturally sociable and used to having lots of friends, social connections are a good preventative measure against anxiety and depression. It’s valuable to have someone to talk to about age-related worries.
Where Do Seniors Naturally Meet Today?
It often revolves around work, though not necessarily current jobs. Many maintain relationships built during their careers. Today’s world has changed; people used to work for the same company for decades, forming close-knit groups. Now, it’s more fluid, including relationships. Younger seniors frequently mention school reunions. They may not have seen each other in years but suddenly realize: Oh, you’re single too? Most Often, It’s Natural Contact Through Shared Activities.
Dating apps for seniors are gaining popularity abroad. Have any of your clients tried senior dating sites or apps here in the Czech Republic?
Not very often. When they do, it’s usually because their grandchildren suggested it and even helped set it up. Personally, I haven’t met anyone who’s actively tried this route.
Regarding second partnerships, do you think seniors are more likely to seek companionship or does the sexual aspect play a role as well? Could sex even become a barrier?
Some women are simply looking for a companion, while others desire a fulfilling sexual relationship. It’s very individual. Based on my observations—though I don’t have data to back this up—most seem to prioritize having someone to go to the theatre with. If it evolves into something more, that’s great, but it’s not their primary goal.
I’ve also heard stories from women who became single relatively early in life and found that having a sexual relationship was one of their main motivations. However, they often faced societal judgment, not because they couldn’t find the right partner or their partners were unwilling, but because society imposed the idea that they shouldn’t have these needs anymore.
Is this still a sensitive topic today?
Yes, among older generations, it is. A few women have shared that they longed for such a relationship but couldn’t even broach the subject with those close to them. This is much less of an issue among today’s sixty-somethings.
You mentioned that older women often feel the need to discuss certain topics. Which topics come up most often in the context of second partnerships?
Marriage frequently comes up—especially relationships where the sexual aspect was unsatisfying, but they felt they couldn’t do anything about it.
Do they see a chance to experience things differently now?
Not really. The women I speak with usually know they won’t have such an experience again. But they do need to process it. Sometimes, during our conversations, they come to a realization—like one woman who said, “Now I see—it wasn’t me who was broken.” And this isn’t limited to sexuality; it applies to relationships more broadly. For example, they might speak for the first time about leaving an abusive husband, only to be blamed by society. Similarly, when a sexual issue arose in their marriage, society often held the woman accountable, even if the fault lay elsewhere.
Have you ever had such a conversation with a man?
In all my years of working with seniors, I can recall only two such conversations with men. Perhaps there could have been more, but men simply don’t talk about it. Toward the end of life, they’re more likely to reflect on how they treated their wives—acknowledging their infidelities, expressing regret, and admitting their actions caused suffering.
Given these experiences, do you think it’s harder for seniors to form new relationships, romantic or otherwise? Could they fear being hurt again, losing someone, or facing rejection?
Absolutely. I hear this especially from women, though it applies to other types of close relationships as well, such as bonds with staff. One client once asked me during our first meeting: “Before we even start talking, tell me—do you plan on having children?” I asked her why, and she explained: “Because everyone I grow close to goes on maternity leave, and then I lose them.”
Women often carry emotional scars from their past. When I ask if being single is a choice, many say they simply didn’t want to go through such pain again. I believe younger seniors, those in their sixties, might feel differently. They often display more courage, having grown up in a more open environment and experienced more relationships. Compare that to the generation of today’s eighty-year-olds, for whom divorce or having a child out of wedlock carried immense stigma.
Have you witnessed any heartwarming stories of seniors forming relationships here at the home?
Not romantic ones, no. But recently, two women in their nineties, both highly educated and fond of intellectual discussions, formed a deep friendship. Neither of them thought they would ever find such a meaningful connection again, filled with kindness, understanding, and intellectual camaraderie. It’s wonderful to see how even at such an advanced age, people can discover relationships that bring significant quality to their lives.
Finally, what are the most common clichés about senior relationships?
The biggest cliché is the prejudice surrounding sexuality in old age. People don’t want to talk about it or hear about it. But older people often express a need for physical closeness—they miss having someone to sleep beside, and it fills them with anxiety when that person is gone. They deeply miss being able to hug someone or hold their hand.
Sometimes, it’s heartbreaking to see a seventy-year-old man feel embarrassed to hug his ninety-year-old mother because it wasn’t common in his generation. But thankfully, this is starting to change. Grandchildren often break down these barriers, encouraging affection that eventually spreads to their parents. I’m thrilled to see this kind of progress.
Lucie Simonová is a psychologist at Sue Ryder, a nonprofit organization. She earned her degree in psychology from Charles University in Prague, initially drawn to the field by her interest in non-alcoholic addictions. Over the years, she has worked in individual and group therapy as well as HR. Since 2017, she has been part of the multidisciplinary team at Sue Ryder, where she focuses on ensuring clients experience their final years with dignity, fulfillment, and meaning. One of her goals is to challenge societal prejudices about aging, dying, and death.
This interview was originally published in the February 2024 issue of VITAL magazine, produced by Elpida, another organization supporting seniors.
Author: Ondřej Nezbeda
Photography: Jan Bartoš